Clocks Against Humanity

I performed this essay at The Encyclopedia Show Minneapolis on Tuesday night. Video of the show can be found on Strike Theater's Facebook page. The show's theme was "Clocks."

I thought I had plenty of time to work on this piece, but, per usual, the time got away from me. Such is the nature of Life. The Clock is an insidious hypnotist. It ticks along slowly, but remorselessly, always, when we’re looking, when we’re not looking. It lulls us into a false sense of security and then feeds us to the Past, that huge Dust Monster waiting to gobble us up at the end of the line.

Steve Miller was wrong about Time. It does keep on slippin’, slippin’, slippin’, but into the Past, not the Future. I don’t know why he made that mistake. It must’ve been all those drugs he did. I don’t actually know if he did drugs, but he was a big rock star in the 70’s, so he probably did.

Clocks have increasingly become an unnecessary accessory. They used to be furniture. They used to stand on their own, or occupy a place of honor and reverence on the wall or mantel. We may still have those old-fashioned stand-alone clocks in our homes, but they endure primarily for decorative rather than practical purposes. Soon, our children will think of clocks as just those things that float by when you’re traveling through Time.

Clocks have been integrated into nearly all of our household appliances and electronic devices: our phones, our computers, our microwaves, our stoves, our coffee makers, our waffle irons, our TV’s, our DVD players, our VCR’s, our Betamax players, our stereos, our hi-fi’s, our 8-track tape players, our electric shavers, our curling irons, and even our vibrators. Not coincidentally, this process has unfolded while our time has become more regimented and less our own. Through this infiltration of every facet of our lives, the Clock’s grip on our time has only grown stronger.

For this reason, we must endeavor more vigorously than ever to defeat the Clock, to transcend Time. In the olden days, it was easier to conserve Time, because Life was lived at a more leisurely, humane pace. People were still being exploited terribly, but at least the Economy was taking its sweet time about it. Not like today, when you can’t even open the morning paper without seeing a story about a whole generation of English majors being turned into baristas.

So how do we escape the Clock’s insidious clutches? I recommend listening to the words of Robin Williams’ character from that fine motion picture, Dead Poets Society. You’ve got to seize the day! You’ve got to stand up on your desk and say, “O captain, my captain!” I think there were some other parts to it, but I’ve forgotten them. I’ve been too busy seizing the day!

Well, that’s not really true. I spend most of my free time these days watching YouTube videos about how Game of Thrones is actually an allegory for the decline of the manufacturing sector of the US economy. Or how The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild is an allegory for the alienating effects of living in a society wherein the concept of community has been shattered, and each person has been thrown back on their own resources, left to fend for themself as an atomized individual. Or how the John Wick film franchise is really freakin’ cool.

The point is: I’m no role model. No one should be looking to me as a paragon of virtue. I’ve always been petrified of the Clock and its power to steal my Life away, yet I’ve mainly expressed this fear through watching TV and snacking. Thanks to this regimen of avoidance, I know more about surviving quicksand than I do about living a Good Life.

And while we’re on the subject, what was the deal with all those TV and movie characters who encountered quicksand? Was there some sort of quicksand epidemic in the late 20th Century? Was it part of an undercover PSA campaign aimed at reducing quicksand-related mishaps? Was a mountain of quicksand migrating north from Latin America, like those infamous killer bees?

Perhaps I’m being too uptight, but I didn’t find any of this quicksand-related content helpful at all. It would’ve been nice to see more practical scenarios played out on these shows. How about an episode wherein the main character applies for a small business loan? That would’ve been extremely useful.

Well now I’ve gone and wasted your time with a lot of frivolous nattering on about quicksand and such. But, like I said, I’m no role model when it comes to making the most of one’s time. However, I will try to justify the quicksand digression with an epic segue.

Much like with quicksand, the more you struggle against Time, the more it pulls you down. (See? I had a plan for that all along.) So remember what Robin Williams said in that one movie: Seize the day! And, if you must buy a vibrator, try to find one without a clock.